Last week, Ben and I met with the pediatric radiation oncologist, to discuss what radiation would look like for Brynna. The probable and potential side effects (due mainly to her age) are heart-wrenching. Due to Brynna’s very high risk status (that’s very high risk of relapse), cranial radiation is part of her protocol. However, radiation for anyone younger than 7 can yield some pretty severe consequences/side effects. So, then it comes down to this: weighing the side effects of radiation versus the higher chance of relapse (relapsed leukemia is much harder to get into remission). Our oncology team has discussed Brynna’s situation among themselves and reached out to several others who are specialists in this field, and the answer has almost always been the same, “Wow, that’s a tough one.” The choice is now in our hands.

When we sit back and hear what life could look like for Brynna after radiation, it’s heartbreaking. When we sit back and think about her relapsing and what that would look like, it’s devastating. Some choices in medicine are black and white – you must take this medicine or do this procedure to survive. Others, like this one, are the grayest of grays. There is no right answer. It feels like a lose lose situation, especially when you have to make this decision for your CHILD.

In my quiet time the other morning, the devotional led me to Jeremiah 29. I think the vast majority of us has either quoted or had quoted to us, Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” It’s a beautiful verse, I love it, I’ve used it many times (probably many out of context), but…

Have you ever kept reading? Look at this – ” Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (verses 12-13, emphasis mine). And as I read that, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. This is what we had felt on our hearts all along, this is what we were trying to do, seek God with all our hearts, but there was something about actually SEEING it and READING it in God’s word that it just hit me deep in my soul. God was speaking to me.

Making this decision for our daughter can be, and has been, very overwhelming, emotional, painful, and seemingly impossible. Until…until I read that passage and heard God whisper in my heart that it’s not actually our decision. It’s not our decision. It’s God’s decision. We don’t have to make this on our own. We aren’t SUPPOSED to make this on our own. God is calling us to do our due diligence in seeking out all the information we can…asking the questions, talking to different doctors, hearing statistics, learning all the possibilities…but then we lay it at His feet. All of it. And we leave it there. We seek Him with all our hearts, and trust. We take that step of faith, knowing that ultimately He will lead us to the right decision. And that decision? No matter what it is, will be the right decision because it is God’s decision. And no matter what happens in the future, it was STILL the right decision, because it is God’s decision. And that removes the huge burden that this decision has become. It removes the weight, and replaces it with God’s peace, His peace that passes understanding. I can’t even begin to tell you how freeing that is!!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

We don’t know yet what we’re going to do. I will blog about all of the details in the upcoming weeks, but I feel that we need to make our decision before I actually do that. One thing that we have been reminded of over and over and over again as this radiation discussion has taken over, is how much of a miracle Brynna is. A TRUE absolute miracle y’all. We knew her situation was dire when she was diagnosed last April, but now, 10 months after the fact, we are realizing it was scarier than we ever knew. The reality of her being in remission at the end of the first month is a miracle beyond what we ever could have comprehended then (and we thought we knew then). And I think that some of that is just God’s way of reminding us how He is at constant work in Brynna’s life, in our lives. He is healing her, has healed her, and will continue to heal her. We have full, complete faith in that. Our faith in God’s love for her and us is unwavering.

“Watch what I AM can do.”