“You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be”

I can’t believe it’s been 6 months. 6 months since our world shattered and we were rocked to our utter core. Every now and then I find myself reliving that night in the hospital, those days leading up to it, the unknowns, the terror, the grief. My heart aches in a way words can never describe, thinking of those awful hours and days. I find tears silently rolling down my cheeks, with all of these feelings I can never fully describe. Even now, 6 months later, it cuts me to the core. When we first heard the words, “Brynna has leukemia”, we knew right then and there that we would never be the same. How can you? Over the last 6 months, we have reached our lowest points. We have wept and grieved and felt utter despair. But over the last 6 months, we have also had some of our sweetest moments. We have laughed and loved and lived a hope filled life.

When we had nowhere to turn, we turned to God. When we couldn’t turn ourselves, when we couldn’t press in, we felt carried by all of you…carried by your prayers, your love, your encouragement, your support. I can’t even fully put into words the beauty that has come from the ashes, but there is so much. I pray that we never, ever have to go through a time like these last 6 months again. I’m not sure how many times a heart can be shattered and put back together again. The next 6 months won’t be a walk in the park and will still be incredibly hard, but we’re moving forward, we’re making progress, we’re seeing God work in very tangible, incredible ways.

“Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again”

From the get-go, I’ve clung to God’s promise, “Watch what I AM can do.” I forget it at times, that powerful whisper on my soul, but God always finds ways to remind me of it, to reach in and pull me close to Him. We will never be who we were before April 8th. Our family was forever changed that day, but we cling to God’s promises, and God’s faithfulness. We’ve said it from the beginning, and will say it forever…no matter what, God is still God, and God is still good. He is in our midst, doing incredible things in our daughter, in our lives, and in the lives of so many around us. As we progress through this journey, I’m starting to realize that God saying, “watch what I AM can do,” only partially applies to Brynna. I FULLY believe that He is healing her, and that His whisper to my soul in the midst of those darkest moments was meant over her life. However, I am also realizing that He is at work all around us. He is at work through Brynna. He is using her to shine His light, to shine His love, to shine His peace. I also fully believe that His whisper is meant for those around us, and what He is doing and will do to hearts and lives and circumstances.

A few months ago, our pastor said something in one of his sermons that has stayed with me: “Joy isn’t a season of life, it’s a way of living.” We have to choose each day to see the good. We have to choose each day to feel the joy. Most people would look at our life and see it as a season of grief and despair, and it is. But you guys? It’s also a season of JOY. We have all our children HERE. We have been witness to the absolute beauty of God’s people, the way that YOU all have truly been the hands and feet of Jesus to us. We have the incredible opportunity to watch God’s light shine from this beautiful little 2 year old girl, and to share and shine His light to all who come in contact with us.

“Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun”

I look at pictures of Brynna from “before” and don’t recognize her. I mean, I DO, because it’s Brynna, but she’s not that girl anymore. I don’t really know how to fully explain it. Sometimes I find myself just studying the pictures of the weeks and days prior to her diagnosis, trying to pinpoint exactly what is different, and it’s impossible. The only thing I can come up with, is that she has lost that innocence that kids have about the world. She has faced death fully in the face, she has been the focus of some serious spiritual warfare, and she has told us she has seen the face of Jesus (something we don’t doubt one bit, especially considering those initial days in the PICU). But even though she is different now, she is still (and always will be) our Brynna Kate. She (along with her brothers) is one of the most precious gifts we could ever ask for.

Brynna’s story is FAR from over. Her journey has just begun. I don’t know what our life will look like 6 months from now. I can only imagine the pain and fear and heartache we will face, but I know, without a doubt, that the joy, the beauty, God’s faithfulness, and God’s grace will overflow, and will continue to guide our way.

Thank YOU. Thank you for being a part of this journey. Thank you for your prayers, tangible support, encouragement, and love. You will never, ever truly know how much it has meant to us and continues to mean.

Song lyrics are from the song “Shattered” by Danny Gokey. I had heard it prior to everything with Brynna, but then heard it again for the “first” time a couple of months ago. I was weeping by the 2nd line, because it just fully captured all the emotions we have had, and it was such an encouragement.